Fraternity & Fratricide
We hate or fight with the person we wanted to love the most
I was reading a book on the history of fraternity by Alexander de Vitry(translated as brotherhood and sisterhood) especially from a French perspective. It has stories about Christian understanding of fraternity, from the Old Testament and the New Testament, from the French revolutions of 1793 & 1848 and many literal works, especially that of Victor Hugo (think of the movie Les Misérables) & others. Fraternity goes very well with fratricide (killing of the brother or sister) in many moments of the history. Cain-Abel was the first story.
If we glance across Bible, there are many siblings, who faced a struggle in their relationships. Abel-Cain, Isaac-Ishmael, Esau-Jacob, Joseph-his brothers, James & John vs others disciples, older son-young son of the parable of the prodigal father etc. We too have Martha-Mary among the category of sisters.
Yes, the struggles are different in each cases. All of them knew of the commandment to love, especially their own brother or sister. They loved each other too. But at certain moments in life, there was an event that created a conflict or a trouble. In some cases, it was a call of God (which was always interpreted as the rejection of the other). In other cases, there was an appreciation of one choice. In some cases, it is very self-evident jealousy. Those invited to love fell into jealousy, anger and conflict.
If we glance through our own lives, we may see something quite striking. If we have a sibling, and if we ask our parents “who do you love more?” Many parents will give the trademark answer, “we love both of you or all of you equally”. But the children don’t experience it in that way. In certain situations, parents are supposed to help or support one child more than the others as s/he needs it ; based on their understanding and the age of the children, the parents might demand more from one; and based on their own humanity and likes-dislikes, they might love a certain child more too than the other. All these possibilities exist.
Based on the understanding/interpretation of these events by the children, there are different possibilities. Some children understand the logic of the parents (eg. a parent giving more attention to a autistic child or one who struggles with dyslexia); some don’t understand it, but it remains a minor problem. In some cases, it gives rise to problems where fraternity (or relationship between siblings) is thrown to the dogs. One of the major contemporary conflicts is based on property — division of property between siblings.
I truly agree that in some cases, there is a strong partiality or preference by parents to one child. Or an external factor influencing the relations of siblings. If we leave out these extreme cases, what can be a response given to these situations? Yes, it’s almost impossible to give an answer that fits all situations. A few pointers for a response are…
- Are you aware of your own self-worth ? Are you assured that you are loved? Even if you feel jealousy or sadness or anger, that deep-seated assurance can help you not to give into jealousy or anger; and to make choices that are more helpful for everyone. If the elder son of the story of the prodigal son has to welcome younger son back home, sooner or later, he needs to believe in the love of father for him and also on the right of Father to be merciful.
- An ability to forgive. This changed the plate in the story of Joseph and his brothers. Yes, wrong is done to him. Justice needs to be done. Justice is not done only though revenge or reparation, but it can be better done (at times) through forgiveness and reconciliation. This is an easier path for those who have greater power (Joseph in the story of Joseph vs brothers etc).
- Let Go some of the privileges or choices. At certain moment in our lives, we have to let go of certain aspects, to stop the fight and to live the life. I am wronged; so I will try to make the life miserable also for the other person; I am okay even if I don’t achieve much. Rather than having this as the eternal attitude, an attitude of trying to make use of the opportunities available before me is better for the peace of my own self and those around me.
